Okay, so I was in shoutbox last night as most of you know, and was having a minor freakout because my husband told me he was just going to the store to get soda just before midnight, and I didn't hear anything back from him and started worrying around 2:30 AM. It was nothing major... and I am just writing this blog to vent/explain what happened.
I may have been paranoid or whatever, but he was also in his brother's car which doesn't run well, so I thought he may have broke down, but I also have a million other things running through my mind. But my main concern was that he was having car trouble and stuck somewhere.
Around 3 AM, he was still MIA, and I still hadn't heard anything, so everyone in shoutbox shared my concern and told me I should call the cops, so I did after stalling and working up the courage for 15 minutes. The operater I talked to told me that she would send someone up to talk to me. The cop she sent to me was very nice and helpful but also young and fairly new to the job. He talked to me for a bit, getting information and asking if there was anywhere else I think he would have gone, but I didn't know of anywhere. He told me the only place open at that hour was the strip club, but he doesn't really go to those anymore, so I ruled that out in my head.
Then this guy calls up his sergeant who also shows up. The sergeant noticed my husband's police officer's coat on the chair, and asked if he was a cop. I explained to him that he was, but he is still going through the academy. He then told me that he actually taught some classes up there and recognized his name. Ugh...
For like 10 minutes this guy asked me if something else had been going on, such as domestic violence, or if I was scared he would cause harm to himself, and continued to keep asking me these things no matter how many times me or my mother-in-law (who got woken up) explained to him we were just worried the car broke down or something, and that nothing was going on. This guy was SO annoying and also kinda a jerk. He looked at the information and said,"Let me get this straight, you are 20 and he is 30? Why would you marry someone so much older?" That actually pissed me off and I didn't answer... Anyways, a few minutes later he tells me that they will just keep an eye out for him, but if he didn't return by atleast 7 AM to call them back.
Well right after they left, (Just before 4 AM) My husband pulls up and comes in the house. I asked him where the hell he was, and he tells me he was down by the river just thinking... I noticed he reeks of smoke, but I just let it go. I had him call the cop who left his number for him. (My husband is pissed I called the cops btw) and both the guy and the sergeant show back up to the house and ask to talk with him outside. I didn't hear any of the conversation, but I guess the sergeant was being a real jerk to him saying if he had been out much longer he would have contacted the department he worked at, and the police academy. He also sits there and continues to ask him if he had hurt me or anything. I guess before he left he said something like,"Well you know, I could contact the academy and they would probably throw you out because you are acting irresponsible... blah blah blah." and he left.
So yeah.... that is what happened, ugh. We haven't heard anything else about it, but he goes back to academy tomorrow and I hope that guy just forgot about it and didn't call them or anything. ALL THAT just because I thought he broke down on the side of the road or something!?!?! How ridiculous! He joins the Police and now they can't help me without being suspicous of something? Dear god... -.-
/rant off :) haha
p.s. - I am also kinda pissed about him going to a strip club, but is that is just me being... conservative and insecure? I dunno! How would you feel ladies? Also guys opinions on that are welcome too!!!
well im glad he's okay and nothing bad happened to him...as for everything else, i reserve the right to comment...i'll stay out of relationship affairs
damn. :( i'm sorry, liz. i was just going to say everything everyone else already has. i just wanted to let you know i'm here for you too!
Thank you all for the advice and ideas that you have shared! I have read and taken each into consideration. I also know it's kind of weird I put this stuff up here like this, and it is very unlike me to do such a thing. I honestly am against and do not show public displays of emotion, as it makes me uncomfortable.
Things are being worked out, and I have expressed my feelings towards him. (He is sick so he was kinda cranky, lol) and hopefully he took what I said into consideration and will accept and see why I feel the way I do.
While there's not necessarily anything wrong with a married person patronizing a strip club (depending on the relationship's boundaries, which should be mutually agreed upon), it is apparent that in your relationship, such would not be appropriate.
Do you know that he went to a strip club? From what you've written here, the notion is purely speculative. While you need to hold your spouse accountable, you have to be careful that suspicion does not turn into unwarranted paranoia.
Assuming he did indeed go to the strip club, I think it is troubling that he would lie to you. I think trust is the single most important aspect of a healthy romantic relationship. When it's broken, there's a lot of potential for things to go downhill fast. If I were you, I would think about how to broach the subject, and then sit down and talk with him about the fundamental importance of trust in your relationship.
If you can't trust him when he tells you where he's going to be, how can you have any trust in him at all?
going to a strip club when he's got you at home? mad guy.
Well the biggest concern I'd have is that he lied. If my girlfriend wanted to goto a male strip club id be ok with it as long as she was honest and told me a time to expect her back. Thats the courteous thing to do. But my overall personal opinion is I'd never goto a strip club by myself when I'm already married to a beautiful woman.
Wow, sorry your night was so rough. I probably would have been worried enough to call the police, too. And I'd be way way WAAAAAAY pissed if I found out he was at a strip club without telling me. He'd be in the dog house for WEEKS. I don't think you're over-reacting at all.
Thanx Jimmz. That's exactly what i would have said in my own defense. I mean, if there was something equivalent that i did that made him (my husband) uncomfortable, i would expect him to say something as well. You can't just do what you want and make the person you're with unhappy because you're selfish and consider something like *the strip club* to be a right. You have to respect the person you're with enough to meet in the middle on issues.
If i were, say, going out to hang out with a bunch of guy friends that he didn't like, or it made him jealous/paranoid. I wouldn't go, because i know it would bother him, and i love him/respect him, and wouldn't do anything to make him angry on purpose.
@ Pink Dragonfly. I have also called the cops b/c i was worried once. Ended up he got 2 drunk to drive home, and parked in an all night car wash to sleep it off! lmao!
well. i'm glad this all worked out, as far as your husband being ok, anyway. i'll stay out of your marital affairs and abstain from commenting, however.
Thank you all so much for you comments and helpful advice so far! Just a few things...
-I am super mad he lied about where he was, and I asked him so many times if that was where he was, and he continued to lie to me. "I smelled like smoke because there were 2 other guys down by the river smoking, and they gave me a cigar." I honestly think as long as he keeps lying he thinks that nothing wrong happened. I really don't know how to get him to admit up to where he was.
Even though he would never come out and tell me the truth I said to him that I didn't believe that married men should go to strip clubs. I honestly am not that bad or controlling as pizza boy thinks women are. I let the porn and stuff slide, but that is because it is on a screen or in a magazine and not shaking in his face you know?
Also, I feel as if that makes me look bad as a person, him going to a place like that. If he ran into anyone who he knew and knew he was married, I feel that would be me look like a bad wife or that I don't please him or something. Also what bothers me is that he didn't go with friends or w/e, he went there alone, like out of boredom or something.
I know I did do that right thing calling the cops, because he NEVER does this and it was so unlike him and I was worried. I really don't care how he feels about that. I do not want him to lose his job though and I find it ridiculous that the Sgt would threaten him with that just because I called and thought his car broke down or something. That makes me scared to ever call the cops again, and that is actually really sad.
seems bad last night. i would just say i'm going to the club...
"It's funny, though, reading all the comments from the girls. Thinking you can control a guy (WE ARE MARRIED, NO STRIP CLUB) is ridiculous and humorous. The kind of guy that lets you do that is a sad, sad man."
Roy its called RESPECT. It's not about CONTROL, it's about a man RESPECTING a woman's feelings just as she should respect his. If she's uncomfortable with it there's no reason it should be THAT important that he completely disregards her feelings. It works both ways - if Andy doesn't feel comfortable with me doing something, I wouldn't do it. Relationships are about COMPROMISE and working together to create an environment where both partners are happy.
That sucks he lied to you. That's fucked up.
You called the cops, but completely justified. I think you did everything right.
It's funny, though, reading all the comments from the girls. Thinking you can control a guy (WE ARE MARRIED, NO STRIP CLUB) is ridiculous and humorous. The kind of guy that lets you do that is a sad, sad man.
I had a long rant about marriage, but realized that it's not worth it. Either way, wish you the best of luck.
I don't blame you for doing what you did, Liz. I think you did the right thing by calling the cops. It's better to be safe than sorry, yeah?
As for your husband, the fact that he left and went off somewhere else without letting you know first is extremely irresponsible. The fact that he lied to you makes it much worse. While I believe that giving each other needed space, I also believe you have the right to know where he is and what it is that he is doing. Afterall, a marriage is a team.
As for the strip club....something like that should be desided between the two of you. I would also be upset if my fiance went to one. However, I would not stop him as long as he actually told me where he was going and who he was going with so I could contact him if I needed him. I already warned him....1 wrong stupid mistake and I'm out.
I'm sorry he gave you the run-around, Liz.
I don't care where he went, if my b/f told me he was going someplace to cover up for where he was really going, i would royally bitch him out. If we were married there is no way he'd be going to a strip club *unless it was a bachelor party or something* PERIOD.
When my b/f goes out, he's to have his phone on him, at all times and to answer/return my call within 30mins. If he doesn't -- he doesn't see anything resembling fun for a LONG ASS TIME. Not because i don't trust him, either, but because he's an adult and has a responsibility to be available in case of an emergency.
What if he was out like that and someone called to say his dad was in a car wreck, and that he needed to get to the hospital ASAP? Or what if one of the kids fell and was bleeding everywhere and he wasn't answering his phone while I'm in complete shock and don't know what to do?!
The guys an adult, so he can do what he wants, but he's also married, which means he no longer #1 in his own life, he's moved to #2. And #1 should never have to be scared enough to call the police because he can't be a MAN and just say where he's going!
/is now quite riled up.
/rant
Well, that's one hell of a scenario. I would have to say that:
1. The police Sgt. was out of line with a lot of what he was talking about and should keep personal opinions out of the interrogation (I mean, interview).
2. Your husband was in the wrong...you had good intentions and without any direct line of contact, what other choice did you have?
3. No one should be angry at you, but that would be a normal response since HE knew he wasn't in any harm, so he wonders why you would go to such lengths to find out if he was...give it a day or two, and he'll really appreciate your actions...I hope :)
I understand Spunky, and I am very angry with him as well. It was dumb of him (I still think the Sgt did over-react though) Then he lied to top it all off... yeah... :/
I KNOW for a fact that he wasn't down by that river. I agree he shouldn't be mad I called the cops, and I don't think he is mad that I called so much as the fact that the Sgt gave him such a hard time and threatened to take his job away.
I don't mean to seem like a dick or anything. You know me for the most part, I say this with all the love in the world. Your husband is a dick if he's mad at you for calling the cops after he told you he was going TO THE STORE, and leaves of his own will for FOUR HOURS where he is out of contact and unable to check in with you. Again, I mean no offense or anything, but I can't help but look at that negatively.
